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Wed, Nov. 8th, 2006, 01:58 am

one old love she can imagine going back to...
and one who reminds her how far she has come...

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...

something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...

a youth she's content to leave behind....

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her
old age....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

when to try harder... and when to walk away...

that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...

where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

~maya angelou

Thu, Aug. 31st, 2006, 10:55 am

i got into a debate with varner on the quad this morning *headdesk*. he still blows my mind every time i talk to him about this kind of shit and every time i leave with the profound hope that he doesnt really believe it and hes just teasing me. falso hope, methinks? probably. no matter what he says about violation of privacy and all that shit i still dont think anyone has the right to shoot another person for stealing a tv. the tv isnt worth a human life and its not up to any of us to judge wether that person stealing the tv is fit to live or not. maybe you think hes a bad man and should be killed and hed be no loss to the world but the point is that its not your decision. bleh. damn that varner.

on a different note i officially love mr page. the dirty kiwi.

later kids.

Sat, Jun. 24th, 2006, 10:29 am

RedHerring1029 (8:40:18 AM): so what were you trying to say when the call disconnected?
ShaverRob (8:41:30 AM): I just wanted to make make sure that u werent really pissed off or something-u said "whatever" really dejected like
RedHerring1029 (8:42:23 AM): it was a text message. dont read too much into it. and i am pissed off, but at the world in general
RedHerring1029 (8:42:39 AM): not at you any more than anything else
ShaverRob (8:43:26 AM): that doesn't make me feel better
ShaverRob (8:43:44 AM): in fact that just sounds bad
ShaverRob (8:44:24 AM): I suppose I could try to get over there today on my own if that would help
RedHerring1029 (8:45:35 AM): no, thats not what im mad about. i could really care less when/if you come over. in fact im not entirely sure i want to see you or talk to you, or anyone else either these days
ShaverRob (8:46:13 AM): see thats not good
ShaverRob (8:46:40 AM): whatn would u like mne to do
RedHerring1029 (8:47:42 AM): um, nothing. im not asking you to do anything
ShaverRob (8:47:59 AM): ok
ShaverRob (8:48:28 AM): so I guess Ill talk to u later
RedHerring1029 (8:48:59 AM): fine, fuck off
ShaverRob (8:49:11 AM): hey wait a minute
ShaverRob (8:49:31 AM): u said there was nothing I could do
ShaverRob (8:49:41 AM): so what do u want
RedHerring1029 (8:50:01 AM): i just want to hate you for a while
ShaverRob (8:52:26 AM): tommy u know this isnt healthy
ShaverRob (8:53:05 AM): ok im going
“ShaverRob” signed off at 8:53:10 AM.
“ShaverRob” signed on at 9:07:37 AM.
ShaverRob (9:09:02 AM): hi
RedHerring1029 (9:09:08 AM): hey
ShaverRob (9:09:24 AM): so whatsup
RedHerring1029 (9:10:03 AM): well, im sorry i flew off the handle, but in all fairness i am pretty angry
ShaverRob (9:10:15 AM): ok
ShaverRob (9:10:44 AM): explain your anger more
RedHerring1029 (9:11:27 AM): *freindly warning* if you start sounding like a therapist then i am gone. but having said that...
ShaverRob (9:11:53 AM): lol
RedHerring1029 (9:13:16 AM): you really pissed me off when you said we werent meant to be. that really really stung and was a weird and stupid thing to say since it ascribes our fate to some third party. its not about what fate or destiny or whatever says, its about if we loved one another, and chalking it up to "meant to be's" is really passive
ShaverRob (9:13:55 AM): i dont beleive in fate
RedHerring1029 (9:14:10 AM): well then what the hell did meant to be mean?
RedHerring1029 (9:14:39 AM): and yes you do, its all related to that weird "if were meant to be together it will work out in the end thing"
ShaverRob (9:16:19 AM): I think our relationship waas founded on insecurities that we had in association with the culture shock of college, like lot of people. We broke up when we lost those insecurities. Unfourtanetly, after that you ended the year with a lot more while I didnt.
ShaverRob (9:17:01 AM): Im not interested in getting back together
RedHerring1029 (9:17:13 AM): eneither am i
ShaverRob (9:17:39 AM): but do u agree with what I said
RedHerring1029 (9:17:46 AM): no
ShaverRob (9:17:56 AM): ok, why not
RedHerring1029 (9:20:55 AM): we were together becuase we made eachother happy for a time. after a while i think you got sick of me and i got a little bit sick of you. the pregnancy scare was certainly a creepy time for us both, and in the end i think we broke up (or actually i guess you dumped me) because i couldent handle the fact that you were asking for a huge commitment from me while i was not seeing any emotional commitment from you.
RedHerring1029 (9:21:15 AM): thus, chris
ShaverRob (9:22:39 AM): I think our theories are mutually compatable
RedHerring1029 (9:23:29 AM): did you ever have any emotional attachment to me?
ShaverRob (9:23:41 AM): yes
ShaverRob (9:23:59 AM): would u call it love, in hindsight, no
ShaverRob (9:24:24 AM): but at the time yes, cause I didnt know what it was
RedHerring1029 (9:24:35 AM): so what was it?
ShaverRob (9:25:46 AM): attachment of some kind that was difenernt that anything I had with anyone else
ShaverRob (9:26:42 AM): Its kind of hard to say at this point
RedHerring1029 (9:26:50 AM): why?
ShaverRob (9:27:04 AM): cause I dont have it anymore

ShaverRob (9:27:14 AM): sorry
ShaverRob (9:28:04 AM): hello?
RedHerring1029 (9:28:14 AM): yeah im still here
ShaverRob (9:28:45 AM): so, anything to add
ShaverRob (9:29:17 AM): Hello?
RedHerring1029 (9:29:22 AM): yeah yeah
ShaverRob (9:29:29 AM): thinking?
RedHerring1029 (9:29:34 AM): mhm
ShaverRob (9:29:50 AM): should we do this later?
RedHerring1029 (9:30:05 AM): no, might as well get it over with
ShaverRob (9:30:11 AM): ok
ShaverRob (9:30:27 AM): your turn....
RedHerring1029 (9:30:41 AM): i think....
RedHerring1029 (9:32:19 AM): you came along and we stayed together cause i trusted you, and i rarely trust anyone. you asked for real commitment but i wasnt getting any kind of emotional commitment from you, and it wasnt even clear some of the time that you cared wether i was there at all.
RedHerring1029 (9:33:50 AM): so when chris came along and made it clear that he did want me it became very hard to justify staying with you, who didnt really care, and losing a chance with someone who did. and plus which if you did care you would have made a whole lot more of an effort to stay with me. as it was it felt like you had been waiting for an excuse to break up with me anyway.
ShaverRob (9:34:33 AM): I dont think thats fair
ShaverRob (9:35:30 AM): I think I did quite a bit (or ignored alot of bad things) to try and stay together
RedHerring1029 (9:36:00 AM): as did i (ignoring a lot of bad, that is)
ShaverRob (9:36:31 AM): and I dont understand how u could say that chris gave you more attachment than me
ShaverRob (9:36:50 AM): explain "bad"
RedHerring1029 (9:37:49 AM): i said a chance with someone who cared, you forget, in the big scheme im not looking for attachment since i dont offer it myself. it only became an issue since you wanted me to be committed
RedHerring1029 (9:38:12 AM): and you explain your bad first.
ShaverRob (9:39:32 AM): I mean't how u cheated on me I and was willing to take you back, regardless
ShaverRob (9:40:49 AM): and how did chris "care" I thought that he revealed himself at the end of the year. and don't say I didn't care
ShaverRob (9:41:04 AM): about what we had cause I did
ShaverRob (9:42:29 AM): hello?
RedHerring1029 (9:42:32 AM): you just said you never loved me at all, how can you say that and then say you cared about us?
ShaverRob (9:43:20 AM): u can care about people in different ways than loving them, Tommy, u know that
RedHerring1029 (9:44:15 AM): well what does it matter anyway. it turns out it was a huge waste of time for both of us
ShaverRob (9:44:28 AM): no it wasnt
ShaverRob (9:44:37 AM): it was good while it lasted
ShaverRob (9:45:04 AM): it helped us through our first year, althou we're over that now
RedHerring1029 (9:45:24 AM): we needed help?
ShaverRob (9:45:40 AM): help is always good
ShaverRob (9:46:27 AM): do u agree?
RedHerring1029 (9:46:59 AM): i dont know
ShaverRob (9:48:01 AM): I think u should look back on it a little more positivley, as there was a lot of good there
ShaverRob (9:48:24 AM): just remeber that were beyond needing it now
ShaverRob (9:49:05 AM): we=we're
ShaverRob (9:49:10 AM): sorry
ShaverRob (9:49:49 AM): your not balling your eyes out over there are u?
RedHerring1029 (9:49:56 AM): no
ShaverRob (9:50:03 AM): ok good
ShaverRob (9:50:40 AM): so anything else u think should be said
RedHerring1029 (9:52:14 AM): not really. still hate you a bit and it sounds like you hate me too, which is prolly healthy for you. i still dont buy some of your thinking and you dont buy some of mine, which is ok
ShaverRob (9:52:47 AM): great this was good
RedHerring1029 (10:02:55 AM): oh, and did you tell chris to "have the decency to stay away from her for a while"?
ShaverRob (10:04:44 AM): not in those words but after we broke up I asked him not to pounce on u immediatley as I thought he would, cause that mnight have hurt me
RedHerring1029 (10:04:59 AM): hmm ok
ShaverRob (10:05:10 AM): did he tell u that
RedHerring1029 (10:05:14 AM): yes
ShaverRob (10:06:23 AM): what else did he say
RedHerring1029 (10:06:35 AM): a lot of stuff and it was between him and me
ShaverRob (10:06:41 AM): ok
RedHerring1029 (10:08:00 AM): im going to go now
ShaverRob (10:08:14 AM): ok talk to u later
“ShaverRob” signed off at 10:08:17 AM.


Fri, Jun. 16th, 2006, 08:44 am

wow, so i havent updated this thing in a while. so france was awesome, with only a few minor bumps in the road, mostly cause by the fact that my mom and i get along great at a distance and not so great on top of eachother in a small hotel room. so, whatever. the food was, as expected, fabulous and i have def put ona few pounds. but whatever, im working to lose them.

im back at fort adams again this summer, as i think you all know, and i got a pay raise and a new boss who is one of my best freinds and drop dead sexy to boot. so im having a lot of flirting fun.

i drove my brother to prom the other nigth cause he is a retard and hasnt got his license yet, so courtney and i picked up his SKANKY ASS girl person (not girlfreind thank god) and drove them to the prom and then sat outside and kibbutzed all the outfits on the way in. what a lot of HORRIBLE dresses. oh well, whatever.

and in recent news im throwing a party here tonight and everyone on this list is invited even tho most of you dont live around here.

so call me for more info and stuff, ill be answering my phone all day. so bye bye people

Wed, May. 17th, 2006, 05:42 pm

so. i will be in france and france is where i shall be. for the next TWO WEEKS! with my mother. this is going to be really interesting. hopefully jessica and i will get our collective shits together and get in touch somehow, (tho i think shes already left) and meet up in paris. this is very unlikely. but i can hope.

in other news...i got home. i got all my shit and all robbies shit into my little car and got us home alive. and i didnt kill him on the 9 hour drive. im very proud of this, can you tell? this after we had had a huge raging fight about him having to ship things that didnt fit into my car. ya. big fight. whatever.

chris, apparently, is never going to speak to me again. chris, if you are reading this, as i suspect you are, i really want you to tell me what the hell happened that night around the bonfire. why did you leave?

anyway, i will be offline for the next 2 weeks, in FRANCE!! so haha to all you non-france-traveling-to-people! i laugh at you! HA!

love all

Mon, May. 8th, 2006, 11:18 pm

I’ve told you this once before can’t control me
If you try to take me down you’re gonna break
I’m thinkin you are a fake, you are that way
I stand alone
Inside I stand alone
You’re always hiding behind your so called goddess
So what you don’t think that we can’t see your face
I’ll never rest until I can make my own way
I’m not afraid of fading
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
I’m not tired forever
I stand alone
Inside I stand alone
Now it’s my time
It’s my time to dream
Dream of the sky
Make me believe that this place isn’t made by the poison in me
I stand alone
Inside I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
I’m not tired forever
I stand alone
I stand alone
Inside I stand alone
Inside I stand alone inside

i have a never ending love affaire with godsmack. that song is everything.....i love it to death. also i love my car. and i hate being confused. this entire situation is so freaking weird. everything was great, we were cuddling in front of the fire and then he just stormed off and left me there. i even called him to give him an excuse to come back, but no. he just left. so strange.

Wed, Apr. 26th, 2006, 04:42 am

i really hate it when your pulling a desperate all nighter (brought on my my chronic inability to focus on anything excapt facebook) and yo reach that point where you can heard brods chirping and you KNOW you have no time left and that your FUCKED!

Sun, Apr. 23rd, 2006, 12:17 pm

THIS JUST IN according to a somewhat inebriated mr sutton last night as we lay snugggling IM PRETTIER THAN ANNA DIRKSE!!!!!!! anna is the hottest girl in the class by general consensus, and im PRETTIER THAN SHE IS! whats wrong with him? hes crazy!

Fri, Apr. 21st, 2006, 05:15 pm

words of wisdom from my father.

I know you feel pretty lousy, but while I respect all of that, I have to point out that this isn't the end of the world.
As the Bi-colored Python Rock Snake would say, you are a "Rash and inexperienced traveler" in the land of the heart.
You will get hurt and you will hurt others. Unfortunately the only thing thats new here is that it is happening to you instead of someone else. I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but nothing I can say or do will have any effect on how you feel.
If there is any word of wisdom I could impart, it would be that life takes an awfully long time. Parts of it seem very short, and also seem to be forever. For the most part, we travel pretty slowly and wake up each morning very close to where we were the day before. There is something about how long it took to walk into the woods relating to how long it will take to walk out of the woods. So you have to live with your self, your successes and failures, your new freinds and your old freinds, your new lovers and old lovers, the person you were, the person you are and the person you hope to be. It is wise to be as gentle to them as you can. Even Football has a penalty for unnecessary roughness. Often the aftershocks and collateral damages are worse than the original offence.
You are young, you haven't had many relationships, let alone ones this complicated, so it would be unreasonable to expect yourself to manage it perfectly. Forgive yourself, forgive Robbie, and forgive the other guy and then put one foot in front of the other.
My phone is in my pocket, and I will also check the machine frequently.

thanks dad.

Fri, Apr. 21st, 2006, 12:39 pm

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